80

142 down, 80 more to go;

80 more and then it is finished;

80 more and it will be done.

A lot can be done in 80 days;

A lot can happen in 80 more.

However, it will not be so;

However, nothing will come of it,

A slow fade to the end;

A slow slip into oblivion.

I have fought all I can;

I have scars and pains that will last until the end.

The future looks bleak to me;

There is no future for me;

Death is coming and it is something that I cannot bare.

I wish I could have more;

I wish that there would be a future.

But I know the time is upon me;

I know that future is set without me.

Everyday Alien

I walk alone in this world, for I am not meant to be here
I look like them, talk like them, but am not one of them
Why was I sent here ?
Why was I put there?
What am I?
I know that the path I am on is better, but why does it hurt so? 
Why am I alone to carry the burden?
I don't know if I can take it
I don't know if I can handle it
I don't want it
I want the way things used to be
Peaceful
Happy 
Carefree 
Why do I care so much?
Why was I sent to hurt so much?
The world sees me but they don't know me
They ask but can never understand 
What am I meant to do ?
Who am I meant to touch?
For now I seem lost 
I have never felt further from home
Is this what you meant when you said follow?
Is this the pain that you felt?
Not the physical
Or even the mental
But the emotional state of being alone
The act of having one so dear leave you so bare
Was I meant to understand this way?
Was I meant to be in such anguish?
My Peter is gone and I wish he was here
My friend denies me even though not to my face
Has the roster crowed?
Has his time come to an end?
I fought so hard to keep my friend
But it seems a losing battle from now on
Should I end it before he really denies me?
Should I fight fire with fire?
Because I feel attacked by the outside world 
The world he is struggling to fit in
Why is this life so enticing? 
Why does he not see the trap he is in?
I know I don't have all the answers
But I know that, that path is not the right one
Why won't he listen?
What have I become?
These questions I have no answer for
But I'm afraid I will find out soon enough
For only time will tell, where on this lonely road the alien fell

But a Shadow

I am but a shadow
I travel through this world as a formless being
Without any interaction
Without any disruption
And without any inspiration
I see and hear the world at hand
But the world doesn't acknowledge my existence 
I am passed over without even a second thought
I wish for an place to belong
I want to be here
More than a shadow
Someone to follow
And never more wallow
However I don't think it will ever be
For the end is at hand
And I'll lose someone I hold dear
A person who has helped me to belong
Even though I thought I wasn't anything special
I was still something important
So I'm counting the days
We go separate ways
And the friendship frays
For I am just a shadow
And to the dust I will be laid

The Forgotten

I sit in quiet solace, And wonder what to make of all this.  For once I was on the top of the world,  And now I look in from out of the cold. I tried to fight the monster of change, But it looks to be only the efforts of the deranged. For my battle goes on, But it looks like my comrade is gone. I thought things would last forever,  Little did I know it was a foolish endeavor. And so our fellowship is through, My grand friendship with you. The plans that you have made, Had my part already played. I try to fight for more time, But it appears that it is a grand delusion in my mind. And so I sit here and count the days, Until my best friend and I part ways.

Sometimes I’m on top of the world

Sometimes I’m on top of the world,

Sometimes I wish I had never been born.

Sometimes I consider the day a Godsend,

Sometimes I beg for all my days to end.

Why do I feel this way?

Why do I hurt so much?

You spoke of a gift to help me though,

And now all I wonder is if it was really true.

It feels like a ploy to influence your will,

But I follow for some reason still.

Is it really that important?

Why do I keep coming back?

I wish you would tell me the truth,

I feel that I deserve that much.

I wish you would tell me to fuck off,

I would then know and be able to move on.

What happened to the old days?

Why did things change?

You said we would always be good,

I see evidence to the contrary.

You said I was irreplaceable,

Your actions show otherwise.

Am I really not good enough?

Have I caused you that much pain?

I want you to be a part of my life,

I know you will make me better.

I wish you would let me be a part of yours,

Because with you I know I have a chance.

Will I continue to go on?

Will I have you with me?

Sometimes I have good days,

Sometimes I have bad ones.

Sometimes I am living the dream,

Sometimes I wish I would just wake up.

Revelations or Lies

I sit here, now, thinking to myself;

About the things sitting on my shelf;

Not the physical shelf you see;

But the one inside of me.

My thoughts, again, dwell on what was;

And my heart, again, begins to fuss;

I have had a revelation you see;

Or is it a lie being spread inside of me.

I weigh the facts one by one;

And try to see if, in truth, it was done;

So far it is not hard to see;

It is in fact a revelation inside of me.

My stomach turns at that very thought;

And I hope it is a lie that my heart has bought;

But the facts still remain you see;

That I don’t know if it is a lie inside of me.

I want to believe the words that were said;

But the current actions leave me with dread;

I am at a crossroads you see;

Because of what is being said inside of me.

I want to believe with all my soul;

That my friendship is not in a hole;

The truth is difficult you see;

Because of what is going on inside of me.

I will always hope for better days;

And pray to God that we won’t part ways;

I want to believe in what I don’t see;

But I am weary of the revelations inside of me.

I will continue to hope for the best;

And try to forget all the rest;

But it is hard you see;

Because of the revelations or lies inside of me.

For My Brother

These are a few things that I found.  They are a couple of verses for when I am weary in my relationships.

Job 6:14
Psalm 55:12-14
Proverbs 16:28
Proverbs 17:17
Proverbs 18:24
Proverbs 25:17
Proverbs 27:6
Proverbs 27:9&10
John 15:13
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
2 Timothy 4:16
Hebrew 10:24&25
1 Peter 1:22

Apathy

The next attack has come and it is one I didn’t expect

A feeling of emptiness and one of which is hard to detect

I feel that my brother has left me and moved on to other things

It is amazing the amount of pain that such a feeling brings

I wish my brother would keep me and things would remain

But it looks like that is not the case and soon he will forget my name

And so this attack begins for I am tired and alone

The apathy grows and sinks as deep as the bone

I question why God placed him in my life 

And wonder why now the relationship is full of strife

I remember back when we were strong 

And ask myself what on earth went wrong

But again the apathy rises 

And again I try to fight it.

Bleed For Me

I bleed for others but my blood is running low,

Who will bleed for me?

I fight other's battles with no concern for my own,

Does someone bleed for me?

I'm losing my battle with more torment coming into sight,

Can someone bleed for me?

I know my Lord is there, but I just can't see his light,

Has someone bled for me?

I feel my pulse slowing as the blood in me drains,

If someone would bleed for me?

I need a rescue and for a friend to take the pains,

Will you bleed for me?

Brother

Brother I need your help.

I wish for your guidance and strength for I have none myself.

Things are beginning to mount and my mind is filled with doubt.

Brother I need your help.

I know I am not a perfect and should not strive to be,

As of right now my inadequacies are evident to me.

I wish the world would just let me be.

Brother I need your help.

My mind is in a bad place.

I try to fight my own battle.

But all I do is disgrace.

Brother I need your help.

This battle can not be won alone.

I know the storm is coming and I will lose if on my own.

So please brother I need your help.

Poem 34 - How Deep The Fathers Love

How deep the Fathers love.

That he should love someone like me.

How deep the Father's love.

That he will not sit and let me be.

How deep the Father's love.

That he stays even when I fail.

How deep the Father's love.

That he shows me where to sail.

How deep the Father's love.

That he fight for me who has fallen.

How deep the Father's love.

That he choses my heart to dwell in.

Poem 33 - Peace

I cry to you now o creator of life.
I look to your light o conqueror of night.
I listen for your words o speaker of worlds.
I long for your embrace o bestower of grace.

My life is not a failure for you will always appear.
My soul will not be empty for you are near.
My heart is not heavy for it is you i will hold dear.
My love is not hollow for you are always here.

The path has opened and i shall follow.
The gate is raises and I will pass through.
The load is light and will always be this way.
The companion I have will never lead me astray.

I see those in my life and thank you for them.
They will see the new me and know I am from you.
I will travel with them and we will alway be in Him.
So we shall travel and journey to life anew.

Poem 32 - Humbly

I have tried to walk humbly 

But my God is the one who knows

I've tired to shed my weight

But it seems my load always grows

I remember the days of old

When I would look to you and be free

The sweet feeling of peace

When I opened my eyes it is you i would see

The sun shines brightly and warms my face

I raise a song of praise 

And as I sit I can feel your sweet embrace

The thought is fleeting 

And to reality, I am quickly brought back

The cold is setting in

And so my heart, again, begins to crack

I will walk a while 

For I am too weak to think about giving in

I'm still walking alone

I really wish that you would walk with me again 

Poem 31 - Hope

I hope for a day that will never come.
I long for the one that will never arrive.


My heart breaks, for you will never be someone.
The sadness evolves and into sorrow I dive.


My body continues on, an empty husk of what used to be.
The heart hardens, and a thick wall it creates.


The shadow of a man is all that I can see.
My pain is what I feel and there is no one to relate.


I will continue traveling for the journey is not through.
So in this cold cruel world I continue to run.


Will another come and take me away from you?
Only time will tell but it is something to hope on.

Poem 30 - The Fishing Trip

I look out on this vast ocean, and I wonder where I am supposed to be.


Yesterday was paradise, but today is a sight to see.


I'm fighting the waters, but am unable to break free.


This squal is relentless, and it looks to overtake me.


I turn my boat towards home, in hopes of escaping the pain that will be.


The old saying is, that there are plenty of fish in the sea.


However, I don't think that there is anyone for me.

Poem 29 - The Fight

The battle is here, my weary body rises.

The fight starts, and I wonder if I will survive this.

The battle rages, and the casualties mount.

The fight is done, and I have survived this bout.

I am sick, and my body is wounded.

I have been given this life where my being is in bondage.

The next opponent has arrived.

It is from my sin that it is derived.

I ready for battle and hide my plight.

For the masses want a perfect fight.

However, my body is tired and I can sense the end.

Without help, this is one fight I cannot win.

Poem 28 - The Chaos Of Loss

I'm falling and and my eyes are shut.  I try to move forward but I'm stuck in a rut.

This path I travel is dark and twisted.  I wish this burden, from my heart, would be lifted.

I need some help, but know not were to turn.  I think of you and my heart begins to burn.

I hear the music, but it is not the song I want.  I want to compete even though I am not in the hunt.

My world is crashing and falling around me.  I wish the tables were turned and then you would see.

But you are my friend and I can't hurt you.  I still care for you even though I don't want to.

I walk alone in this bitter weather.  I wish that the days were still as light as a feather.

Where is this light so many talk about.  I don't see how I can live without.

My God where did you go.  My heart is in pain and feeling low.

Remember me and see me through.

Please Lord I beseech you.

Poem 27 - How Do You Crush A Dream?

How do you crush a dream? 
How do you move on?


How do you carry on? 
How about when you don't want to?


How do you tell the heart you are through? 
How do you fight the feeling?


How do you stop the bleeding?  
How do you start the search anew?


How do you move on, even when you don't want to?

Poem 26 - The Pain of Friendship

My heart says move,

But my body says no.

The connection is smooth,

But I still do not go.

The feeling compels me,

But I just don't know.

As the tears fade I can see,

But I am still afraid, my feelings, to show.

My lungs fill with air and I continue to breath,

I try to react; however, I am just too slow

I can stand and continue to allude death,

But  I remain sitting a hurt and broken soul.

Poem 25- Yellow Lights

I see the lights that guide me.

An ominous yellow trail.

I travel the road for the.

In my chariot of steel I sail.

I search for peace along this path.

The answers allude me as I pass.

I see the end and await its wrath.

The emptiness has come, as I think of the lass.

But there is the exit approaching quickly.

My course is steady as the signals shine.

I hit the off ramp gliding smoothly.

I will not stop until she will be mine.